I’m feeling a lot better than I was a week ago. I have more clarity, and though we’ve run through some pretty significant challenges, the Geek and I are learning better how to work through things. We kept getting caught in a trap of trying to make each other happy at the expense of our own happiness. I would keep saying out loud that we would get through all of this, all the while doubting it. That internal voice is rotten, and I’m sure it had more than a little to do with all the hormones still in my system, but either way, we’re more or less on the same page now.

I’m still a huge fan of adoption, but I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. I really like the idea of going through the foster care system, but honestly, I am legally too young to bring home a great number of those kids, and even if I weren’t, I don’t feel equipped to do that just yet. Those kids deserve parents who are more experienced, and I have no doubt that we will be one day, but that day isn’t now, or probably even in the next three years.

So? What’s my point?

We’re going to give pregnancy another go. Getting pregnant is not the problem, obviously. Three times in a year? Not a bad track record if I may say. In the throes of the miscarriage the last thing I wanted to think about was the possibility of rushing back into that, so we’re not. I’m going to take my time, find a doctor who can really help sort things out, and focus on getting as healthy as I’ve ever been.

I wanted our family to start by now, and it seems so unfair that it hasn’t but I know it will be so sweet once it actually does. I’m going to keep my eye on that, and not dwell on the in between, because I don’t think that would be good for my mental well being at all. That doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it. A lot. Of course.

But. That’s NOT my whole life. I am so much more than a woman trying to become pregnant. Life is so much richer than that, and I’m not going to cheat myself of precious time by obsessing over whether or not this abdominal twinge means this or that or letting myself be sad when I see adorable babies. I’m just not. I love babies, children, and people in general, so being sad about that is pointless, though I will admit to avoiding certain people in my everyday life because they just give platitudes. Just wait, everything gets better with time, etc. It’s maddening!

I know things change with time, but better is just a relative term, because things aren’t bad now. At my core I am a happy, self fulfilled person, so for someone to come along and say that things will be better just shows that she is understanding me in terms of the miscarriage only, and trying to make herself feel better about it. I don’t need that, and I don’t have the energy to address it right this second, but maybe I will someday when things are a bit less fraught.

I’m aware of how high the risk of miscarriage is in any pregnancy, so while I’ll certainly celebrate a positive test, I refuse to center my life on it. In fact, we probably won’t tell anyone in real life about a positive test until at least fifteen weeks next time, just so that I can avoid platitudes in the event that everything goes awry again. Most people don’t even know that we’ve been trying, and so far, I’m preferring it that way.

The untelling sucks, you guys, and I think that’s probably one of the more painful parts of miscarrying. I have a lot to offer the world and to those I love, and a a squirmy eight pound baby isn’t the only thing. I’m not going to let myself down by believing otherwise.

Thanks for coming along for the ride. It’s been so wonderful to finally have a place where I can just be open without worrying about hurting someone–it’s such a relief. I’m aware that these posts are long, and I usually loathe long posts, but I know this is temporary, and I’ll be back to my regular jibber jabber before long.

I’m sure I have a lot more to say and it will come out in time, but for now, I am feeling peace, and that is enough.

Tagged as: dark, family, marriage