I’m the oldest of three kids.
Eric is the youngest of three kids.
Years ago, when we first started talking about having children, we both agreed that we weren’t such fans of the three dynamic. I’ve seen families where it’s worked amazingly, but in our families, it usually meant that one was being ganged up by two. You could argue that we’re all hardier for this, but I still have some not so fun memories of being not so nice to either my brother or sister at times and it makes me cringe and want to hug them and make up for it.
I’m pretty sure we’ve all made up for everything as we’ve grown up, but I’m still not interested in having three children.
We’ve talked about how we could see Hannah being an only, and I know it would and could be marvelous, but that’s just not something I want to do. I think Eric is much more open to that than I am, but I know, with certainty, that I’m not done with one.
That leaves us with two. I want two kids, but I don’t want two kids any time soon.
When I answer the increasingly more present question of when we want the next one, people sometimes give me a baffled look.
Apparently six (give or take a year) years between babies is steep, but we’re young, and we’re relishing Hannah. We waited so long to get this particular baby that I want to give her everything I’ve got. It’s not a matter of her deserving it; I know she’d be just as loved if we had one right after the other. It is a matter of me deserving it. We went through a lot to bring her home, and I want to be fully engaged in every little thing. So far I am, and so far I’m just about as happy as I’ve ever been in my life.
I don’t know if this is the perfect age gap between babies. I don’t know that there is a perfect age gap between babies, but I do hope this one will work well for us. I’m going back to school for two years, then we have pretty extensive moving plans and travel and career goals, and we want to home school Hannah. All of that is easier with one, initially.
My parents both got their masters degrees while working full time with three kids, and I don’t envy their haggardness during those years. Things were tight financially, and they were extended about as far as anyone can be. That has no doubt influenced my desires to wait longer.
I want Hannah to have playmates, and she will. She has cousins a bit older than her, and we see them often. We also have lots of plans for getting her around kids her age. Right now, we’re on the only child track of socialization because we know she won’t have a sibling to influence her for years yet.
I loved being pregnant. Despite the inevitable anxiety, each day felt like such a victory. Hannah felt like such a fighter, and I was so proud of her even before she was born. I did love it, but I can’t say that I want to be pregnant now, or soon, or maybe ever again. Adoption is still on the table, and we’re nowhere near ready for all of the ambiguities that either option would bring to the forefront of our lives.
This doesn’t mean I don’t already have baby fever sometimes (WHY?! She’s only 11 months old!), but it does mean that we’re doing quite a bit to keep that at bay. We have so much fun with her, so that’s not too difficult. And! I saw a one month old baby at a party this weekend, and I just don’t miss that stage as much as I thought I did. I didn’t think it would be possible, but this dynamic, communicating, dancing, belly laughing, bellowing, dazzling tiny girl captivates my heart more and more as she gets older.
When you think about spacing out your kids, what comes to mind? I’m always curious to see what other people have planned.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
A friend of mine and I decided once that deciding when to have a second child is more difficult than deciding to have the first one. SERIOUSLY! So much more to consider! I knew I didn’t want to have 2 ‘babies’ (two under two, basically) but other than that, I didn’t have any big plans. It wasn’t until Maggie was 2 or so that I started to seriously consider having another one, and at that point we were in the process of buying a new house and moving, so we waited until we were settled to act on it. We’re fortunate in the fertility department so it happened quickly, and Audrey was born when Maggie was almost exactly 3 1/2. It’s a good age difference for us- the oldest was pretty self-sufficient so I didn’t feel like was caring for two babies at all, and I had time to ‘miss’ the baby phase a little bit. Though I will admit- it was HARD going back to bottles and diapers and naps and breastfeeding and all of it after being out of it for a while. And there were a lot of behavioral/jealousy issues with Maggie, but honestly 3 year olds are a pain in the behind anyway, so who knows how much of it was baby-related
LOL In the end though, our girls are spaced apart just right for us. We got what we needed, absolutely 
I really understand that! I think 3.5 years is a wonderful gap too–she’d be old enough to understand a bit more of what was happening.
I wanted an age difference of 2 or 3 years, and the kids are 2 years 4 months apart, so it worked out. I am really happy with the age difference they have, but I think there are a lot of benefits to a bigger age difference. An older kid can help you more, will understand more about babies, will probably not wake up the baby with crazy tantrums, and will want to teach the baby fun things. I think how the kids get along really depends way more on the kids themselves than on the age difference.
How convenient that they came right on schedule! That’s close to how far apart my brother and I are, and we were really close as kids!
I don’t have any children yet, but only wanted to chime in because I have a friend who’s older brother is 6 years older than her. And for pretty much her entire childhood, all the way up to high school, they didn’t have much of a relationship. It was almost like having 2 only children. I don’t know if that’s what you’re going for, but they were not close at all. My cousin has a younger brother who is 12 years younger, and they are also not particularly close because the age difference made it difficult to relate. My brother and I are 4.5 years, and that was good pretty much up until college. Now we’re in just very different life stages, but I think things will go back to normal once he’s out of college and working full-time.
I’m not a fan of keeping kids too close together, because I agree, I think it can be difficult to give each attention, but I also think the friendship between siblings really works best when they are closer together, between 2-4 years. Certainly no need to rush, but I don’t think I would be comfortable with my kids being so far apart. I would want them to be friends, I wouldn’t want my oldest to feel like a second mother because she’s so much older than her brother/sister.
It’s interesting–when I hear about people who aren’t close to their much older sibling, that sibling is usually a boy. I hate generalizing, but I wonder if that has anything to do with it. My younger sister is almost 8 years younger than I am, with one boy in between, and she and I are really close. Family dynamics are just fascinating to me!
We hope to have a second child when Gabe is 3 or 3.5. Partly because of necessity (Mike is in school – we can’t afford for me to lose income) and partly because I hated having a sister just 13 months younger than me. I am closest with my sister who is 4 years younger than me, so I am biased.
However, Mike’s brothers are 6 and 9 years older than him and he HATED it – felt like he didn’t really have a relationship with them – so we (hopefully!) won’t be waiting much longer than 3 or 4 years. Who knows, though!
I can’t imagine having a sister that close in age to me–my mom and one of her brothers are that far apart and are great friends, so I’m sure it can work, but, for me, that would mean having another baby in a couple months OMG.
Even though I’m nowhere near being married or considering children, I’ve thought about the age gap. My brother and I are two years apart (I’m older) and our relationship has always been really great. Sure, we picked on each other when we were younger and ‘fought,’ but at the end of the day we got along. This sentiment is mostly shared by my friends who have 2-3 year gaps between them and their siblings.
My friends who have bigger age gaps (5/6/7 years) are the older siblings, and have discussed that they didn’t have much in common with their siblings until recently (we’re all 24). One of them has sometimes acted more as a parent to her younger sister, which has put their relationship at a standstill at times. The other has simply said that it was hard to be on the same page as her younger sister because the age difference was too much.
I don’t think that there is a “right” answer, or that the success/failure of all sibling relationships are based on age differences. But in my experience – and this is what I’ll probably choose for myself – making the gap 2-3 years seems ideal.
I think the average age gap is like 30 months, and probably with very good reason. I did (s)mother my 8 year younger sister at times, but as we’ve gotten older, I have loved seeing the world from her viewpoint. We have very little in common, but she fascinates me!
You and I have discussed this before, so you know how I feel. I think this is one of those parenting areas (like all of them, really) where there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, and as a result people get shocked when you do things differently from how they did things, because what they did worked for them and they have a hard time envisioning something else working better for others. There is no perfect baby spacing because so many factors play into it, including the personality of the second child, which you obviously can’t know ahead of time. So you have to make the best decision you can for your family’s particular circumstances, and assume that it will all work out.
I know we’ve talked about it, but your next baby has to be due at the same time as my next baby. Middle ground, timing wise? Hah.
I’m the youngest of three (youngest of five counting step-siblings) and the next youngest is six years older than me. My siblings were never playmates for me. They often had to take care of me. But I don’t think any of us resent that situations, and because they did not leave the house at 18, I still feel like I grew up with them. We don’t have the relationships that siblings really close in age might have, but we still have really special relationships and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I used to love babysitting my sister–my parents unearthed this bizarre tattle list I had made of the most idiotic things she had done wrong as a 4 year old. I mean, things like ‘Sexy Dancing Too Much.” So, yes, it was fun! We have a great time now, even though she’s still in high school.
I’m one of two, my younger brother is six years younger than me, and our relationship is one I cherish. The age and gender difference left us with nothing to fight about, so we always played nicely as kids and have since grown into good friends. My mom always complains that he looks up to me so much that he’d sooner do something I told him to do, rather than if it came from our parents.
Like some of the others commenting here, I can’t say that this is the “right” equation for good sibling relationships or if there even is one. You will just have to do what feels right for your family unit and keep the love abounding no matter how many babies are a part of it
You two are like my dream situation! I think he’s about the same age as my little sister–I love bouncing things around with her, but have also gotten in trouble because she takes my suggestions a little too seriously!
In theory, I really like the idea of 2-3 years age difference and two or three kids. But honestly, given that (like you!) we have to put a lot more effort into making babies than most people, I think we’ll reassess once we hopefully get at least one baby! You bring up some really interesting points about wanting more time to enjoy just the one child before introducing another one to the mix.
Reassessing is always a good thing–we certainly never planned for things to take a while, but there’s no way I can even think about jumping back into that right now!
I was 2 years and 10 months old when my brother was born. It’s just the two of us. And while he annoyed me as any little brother would annoy his older sister, we were close. I really like the 2-3 year gap (for us) and that’s our goal…as much as we can control these things.
I’m just under three years older than my brother too–we were really close as kids, but not so much now. I loved having him as a play mate, and I’m sure that once he’s out of the college/early-twenties life swing of things, we’ll reconnect.
I am very close in age to my sisters (and quite a bit younger than my brothers) and I’ve always known I wanted my kids to be close in age. I was ready for baby number 2 like the minute we came home from the hospital with Kalena, and ended up pregnant with Will when she was about 10 months old. So they’re 19 months apart and I LOVE it (mostly- everything has its downsides, right?)
Now I’m getting the- you must be crazy- looks when people realize that when this 3rd baby is born I’ll have a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old. And maybe I am a little crazy, but this is what works for us.
I don’t think that’s crazy at all! I completely understand why some people want to get the baby phase done as a cluster, and I definitely see the appeal.
We have a 7 year gap between Ethan and Zoe. I’m often asked if I battled to fall pregnant the second time around and when I say no they look so puzzled. It’s often difficult to explain that we planned it like this and I don’t regret it. Having a baby in the house when my Ethan was older was a joy I got to experience all over again and I honestly don’t think I would have enjoyed it as much if we had a close age gap.
Ethan and Zoe have an amazing bond. Yes there is a big age gap but I don’t believe that’s what determines if they are going to be close when they are adults one day.
Do what feels right for you and your family. Each family dynamics are different and only you will know what’s going to work for you
I love stories like yours! Actually, looking at your photos always makes me smile, because that’s slightly how I imagine our family taking shape in the years to come.
Personally, as you know, I’ll take what I can get any way I can get it. But if all things were ideal, I’d want my children spaced apart some. My brother and I are about 4 years apart and that works pretty well for most things.
I definitely do understand that–you’re going through so much that I can’t imagine you not taking some time to just process in between. I know we definitely are still in the processing phase.
I say do what feels right. It takes good parents to think about these things ahead of time. Plus, plans can change at anytime, so do what feels right for you, and when it no longer feels right, then change it.
Mr. O’s child is 5 years old, and I think we’d probably start having kids after we get married (which isn’t in the plans yet). Ideally, I wouldn’t want to wait more than a few years from now, because I’d like all my kids to feel a close bond to each other. But, we will see where time takes us you know?
You know how impulsive we can be! I can see changing my mind once I’m done with school, but for now, I’m pretty excited about the way things are.
Before we had the kiddo, my original plan was to have two about 1.5-2 years apart. And then I had a baby, and learned to do math and realized…uh. NO. Thank you. But that was almost entirely about our(ok, MY) exhaustion/hormones/back to work stress/body stuff than anything to do with kids.
Now we’re not sure if we’ll have another, but if we do, we’re definitely going to be looking at more of a 4-5 year difference. That’s just what’s going to work for US, and if we do that, hopefully it’ll end up working for them too.
I think every family has different timelines, needs, and that’s not only ok, it’s perfect. You’ll end up with the family and the timing that works for you and Eric and Hannah, and that’s what will be right for you guys!
I can almost see being okay with just Hannah, which is, I think, for us, the biggest argument for waiting a long while. It all works out!
I have always wanted multiple kids. My husband and I both have two siblings, and while there was a little of that ganging up, mostly we had fun – so I’d be happy with three. When I think about it in theory, though, I want about 4 kids, but really I will take it as we go. I know I’ll want another one because I love babies, but I’m not ready to try now with Meredith only 5 months old. I had a C-section so they tell me to wait 18 months before getting pregnant, and that seems like a good space. I’m almost 30 so I don’t want to wait TOO long before trying again in case I want more. Also, it took us 2 years to get pregnant with M. so who knows what will happen this time. Finances will also play a big part of course.
To sum up: I want more kids, I don’t know how many, I’d love them to be 2-3 years apart, but I’ll evaluate along the way based on our circumstances!
Three is fun so much of the time! I always thought a fourth would have been perfect in my family, but they stopped after my sister. Your plan sounds reasonable–it’s so hard to know what you want without being in the middle of a dynamic you’re willing to change with expansion.